Let me begin by saying there are some people who sincerely do not wish to receive oral sex, and that's absolutely fine. This article will not address those people. I'm specifically referring to people who continually give to their partners in the oral department and eagerly would like to be on the receiving end as well. But their partner refuses. That's the conundrum we're focusing on today. To put it mildly, rejection can be quite painful, especially when it's regarding sexual activity. And before you ask, one gender isn't to blame more than the other. I've received letters from men AND women who are upset or disappointed about their partner's refusal to perform.

     On the other end of the spectrum, some people explained that  they just don't like to perform oral sex. They don't know  why, but they just don't want to. Hmmm...let's back up a  minute. Sexual activity can be an opportunity to bond with  your partner and lavish attention on one another. In our  crazy, busy world, affection and sex is your time to block  out everything else and make one another feel good. Isn't  that the objective? Oral sex is an incredibly intimate way  to exhibit this. So, when someone says they don't know why  they lack the desire to perform on their partner, I tend  to disagree. There usually is a reason.

     Please note that I do not encourage anyone to do something they sincerely are opposed to. You are not obligated to engage in any sexual activity with anyone. That being said, let's examine some possible reasons why someone would take a  pass on performing oral sex. Many times a person refuses  because he/she feels insecure or inadequate about their  abilities. They don't think they will be able to properly  satisfy their partner. Maybe they just don't feel like they  know what they are doing. This is why communication is so important. We can read all the manuals in the world, but everyone is different. People will respond to different sensations and variations in touch, so experimenting is  the best part of activity. In showing one another what you  like, you will create intimacy and a bond. Learn together.

     This is a common reason: the person doesn't like or is afraid of the smell and/or taste. It should go without  saying that it is every person's responsibility to be scrupulously clean, but sometimes we need reminders. We all have a natural scent, and with proper bathing and hygiene, this shouldn't be a concern. What if the partner is afraid to choke during fellatio? Go slow and be in control of how deep you go. If you are afraid of your face getting messy or are reluctant because of Monday's oral sex dilemma,  simply keep a towel nearby. Or maybe you've heard this reason: "I had a bad experience." Well, you can't let that be a barrier from future relationships. I know this is  easier said than done, but you can choose to not let the experience hinder your current situation. Your new partner is not your ex.

     Still, others are hesitant to perform oral sex because they feel it makes them subservient. Not necessarily true. With two consenting partners, control or power should not be an issue in their sexual activity. Change your focus - think of this as an act of love or an opportunity to give and receive pleasure. If you keep focusing on this aspect, you will eventually change your perspective.

     When one person performs a sexual activity and the other partner refuses, it can send a message that one person's pleasure matters more than the other's. I'll leave you with these questions to ponder: Is this the message you want to be sending? Would you expect someone to give you oral  pleasure if you refused to reciprocate? Essentially, what is fair and what works for your relationship? Are you  satisfied? I look forward to your comments on this issue,  but in the meantime, keep your mind open and your heart full. As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra